A Journey Through Old Emails

Setelah akhirnya kelar juga nyelesaiin revisian thesis dan kirim e-mail ke Professor, mata ku tertuju ke pemberitahuan google storage yang udah muncul entah dari beberapa minggu yang lalu. 

Yeepp, another normal things in my life. Your storage is almost full :)

Akhirnya hari ini memutuskan mau bebersih dikit. Lagian heran juga sih, ni google drive isinya apaan dah kenapa bisa sampe penuh begini.

Udah coba-coba hapus beberapa video yang di save waktu masih jadi TA dikampus, tapi kok berkurangnya sangat tidak significant. Bingung

Akhirnya aku coba buka email. Mau hapus-hapusin inbox aja deh.. yang isinya juga udah membludak :)

Naahh kelihatan kan tuh gimana ramenya isi email ini :) yang belum dibaca aja ada 2.700an email :))))

Tapiiii....

Gara-gara mau hapus-hapusin email lama, trus aku ganti settingannya buat liat email dari yang terlama,

Aku jadi feeling blue.. huhuuu

Ga berasa udah punya email ini 10 tahun ternyata.

Pas lagi ngeliatin satu-satu isi emailnya, otak ku bernostalgia, hati ku rasanya campur aduk.

Derita seorang pisces yang overthinking, gara-gara liat isi email aja bisa inget gimana kebaikan orang tua coba :)))))

Di salah satu emailnya, aku nemuin rincian pembayaran visa waktu papa mama ngajak ke Las Vegas, sebenernya buat jagain si adek bontot yang waktu itu masih usia setahunan. 

Ada juga tiket ke Palangkaraya. Waktu itu beberapa kali nemenin papa waktu papa masih tugas disana.

Buka-buka lagi, nemu tiket jalan-jalan ke Beijing sekeluarga.

And that's only from the first-oldest page in my email inbox.

Jadi mikir, "Sebegitunya orang tua sayang sama kita sampe ga mikir duit yang banyak banget di keluarin biar anaknya happy"

Meanwhile, I feel like I didn't give them enough in return.

With my current finance positions, that's A LOT. All the things and the money they gave to me this whole time. Which I know I can't afford

I know they were not the best parents in the world, but they already gave the best they could.

Even though sometimes they think that if they already gave their money or providing financially was enough, that we should be grateful for that.

But it's their first time being parents too. It's also hard for them. Maybe that's the only thing they know to show love, yet sometimes my siblings and I still ask for more. Or always blame them for our mental state. 

They might didn't know what they do turns out hurting their child. They SIMPLY don't know. 

They might be also hurt inside because of our past words or actions towards them, things we said in anger or frustration.

Yet they still forgave us

As an adult and the struggles of being one, I know how is so hard to make money, even for myself.

Yet they gave everything they had, even when we didn't ask for it.

My parents never even single time asked us to repay them. Or asked us to pay for their bills, even now when most of their children have their own source of income.

I feel deeply grateful to have them.

I hope I can remember this feeling whenever I feel upset with my parents for the things that they do. 

I hope I can remember that, when they do something that I don't like, it's just simply because my parents were worried and that's the only way they knew to show it.

I hope I can remember that, if I feel frustrated with my parents, I can take a moment to reflect on their sacrifices, it might change how I see things.